but it's all I'm doing now looking for patterns in the sound.

I um can't really say how I've been doing. Other than to say that things aren't going well. They aren't going particularly badly either. I just haven't been on top of anything. I feel so drained and so bored. Sometimes I think that when I feel bored that I need to create a little intrique in my mind. So I have some sort of romanticized view of reality. I can't trust my own feelings or perceptions. Because things are always as they appear. There is no subtext in real life. And if I want to find some intrique, I should go read a fanfic.

All I want to do is sleep. That's not true, I want to do other things, but all I end up doing is sleeping.


Beth was talking about what it's like to be a teacher, or to be a student teacher. I feel like, how can I step up. That's intimidating, maybe this isn't for me. But what is? Writing, hah. I don't have that. I don't have anything. I used to think I was so good at art. You know what you need to do art? Money. To play the cello? Money. To have time to write? Money. I don't have money.
I don't have enough money to buy myself clothes, how can I buy any of that. I'm blanked out.