& yes I know how to be quiet, just one more thing--

I've been listening to a lot of Amanda Palmer lately. And also, writing really bad poems that will hide for now but maybe amount to something eventually. I've been trying to be, you know, my best though--with school and keeping everything organized. I want to stay on top of things. Like I said, falling apart in any way is really unappealing to me. Which is sort of common sense, but it isn't always.

I wrote a letter to my grandma today, she always likes to decorate for Halloween. So I said that I can't wait to come see her house. I mean, she really loves it. So do I. And one day, I'll be alone decorating for holidays and everyone will pretend they care. I don't know. Stay with me because this connects in my brain. But it's weird to hear my friends talk about/go to grad school. And when I say weird, I mean sad. I realize that we're all just going to go away and this all is going to be over in a couple months. I'm not complaining terribly. Is everyone just a ton more indifferent to this than me? I guess, it's just a part of falling into a new life. And wanting to in some ways, but not in others.

I never know what people want me to do. I'm rambling, and this is why I haven't been blogging lately. Because I'm thinking a thousand thoughts a second. And I'm not even sure what I'm trying to say at all. I mean, nothing is really wrong, but nothing is really right either. Sometimes I don't know what anyone wants me to do. Leave them alone? I'm so tired of my chest tightening. It's all the time.

Though, the girl in front of me in math noticed that I dyed my hair. I wanted to tell her thanks for noticing, but that just sounds sarcastic no matter what and I wish it didn't. She also told me to have a good Wednesday. I mean, people can break my heart, just by saying dumb things like that. So how am I supposed to even handle anything more than that?