shyness is when you turn your head away from something you want

"I put my hand on him. Touching him was always so important to me. Little, nothing touches. My fingers against his shoulder. The outsides of our thighs touching as we squeezed together on the bus. Sometimes I imagined stitching all of our little touches together. How many thousands of fingers brushing against each other does it take to make love? Why does anyone ever make love?" --extremely loud and incredibly close

I know it's stupid, but a lot of Bright Eyes songs aren't to a specific person,but to this "true love" that Conor believes is out there that he has yet to meet. Like "June on the West Coast". And anyway, tonight I really need you. Like he says in the song, "I long to be with you". I want to make myself someone worth listening to. So that when I meet you that you'll want to listen to me. And I'm working on it. I hate feeling tense and unfullfilled all the time. I know it's stupid but I can't wait until I'm older and I have my own money and can completely take care of myself. And I won't need to rely on anyone. I just want my own life completely dependent from everyone. So if I need to make a decision, well then that's okay because it won't effect anyone but me. People always complain that it gets lonely sleeping by themselves. But god, isn't it worse when you just want to be alone & can't be. I just want my own bed and my own apartment and then if I forget and leave the butter out of the fridge, that'll be okay because it's my butter. And if I don't fold the laundry right away, that's okay too, because no one has to know. And I'll pay every bill. Ugh I don't know what I want, here I'm talking about needing someone, and now I'm rambling about not wanting anyone. Consider this a 1:30 am ramble. I guess, what I want is my own life independent from anyone. And then someone, with their own independent life and come into it, but never to the point that we're dependent on one another. Anyway. This whole thing started with my obsession with Scully and Mulder's relationship. And me sitting around thinking the same things and wearing the same clothes, and if the calender didn't tell me differently, I'd think it were the same day too.